Very Overwhelmed

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overwhelmed

All I ever wanted was to be content. Being unemployed was awful and I was extremely depressed. Then things started looking up when I got the inventory job. It was still only part time and paid only a little over minimum wage. I felt so grateful to be employed. Then I got the part time job at the law firm. Again I was extremely grateful, but it was extremely stressful. Last week a legal assistant quit and they offered me a full time position. I don’t get any health benefits but I do get an IRA and life insurance. I even negotiated myself a raise from 9 to 10 dollars an hours. It was very stressful and nearly killed me. So why I am still depressed? Working at the law firm is extremely stressful and I feel like I want to rip out my hair every day. This past week I have been screening potential clients and I hate it. I use to be a screener at the other law firm and it was awful, so when I agreed to go full time at this law firm I made it clear I did not want to screen calls. I am tired of being contently being stressed out.

This morning I left my travel trailer at 3 AM to the bus stop to get my inventory job after a sleepless night. I then took the bus at 4 AM to the inventory site 2 hours away. Then I did counts for the inventory for 6 hours; took the bus back and drove home. I got home a little after three. I feel exhausted and overworked. It is frustrating working two jobs and I’m still barley scraping by.

Why I will never quit either job? I am terrified of being unemployed again and I don’t want to be a loser.

I’m a Loser.

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tumblr_inline_mstamk5d1s1qz4rgpI’m not very smart. I have an IQ below 100 and a learning disability. (Ah ha, my poorly written blog post now make sense.) I also have an anxiety disorder, which makes it difficult for me to interact with people. I always believed that if I worked really hard than I could be as good as everyone else. I am the type of person that shows up to work at least 10 minutes early, keeps their head down and gets their work down and gives 100% everyday. Unfortunately, it is not enough. I am not enough. Of all the things in my life that I can’t change and have to accept, this is the hardest.

What’s Wrong with Him?

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3.12.15 ( This Amelie’s take on Paris’s Love Lock bridge. It is super cute. )

I never responded to Daddy Warbuck’s email because he made fun of my grammar. (Everybody knows that I am semi-illiterate.) A few days later he emailed me again. (My family actually refers to Daddy Warbucks as $85,000 dollars a year guy.) I feel like this guy is so unpleasant and only wants to hang out with me because I am the only one that tolerates him. He once told me that he did not hangout with his “friends” on the weekend because they did not like to do anything on the weekend and want to spend time to themselves on the weekend. (First of all, they are not your friends and they just don’t want to hang out with you.) Of course, I would never say this to his face because I’m shady like that. So why do I talk to this guy? I guess I am desperate.

Seymour and I went on our fifth date on Friday. We went to Amelie’s, French bakery, in NoDa. Then we went on a walk through NoDa and stopped at Heist Brewery for drinks. It was fun. I like that he always wants to do fan stuff like a cooking class, a picnic or mystery dinner theater. He is also really nice. I am not sure about him though.(What’s wrong with him?)

Dating Disasters: Daddy Warbucks, I got a bone to pick with you.

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main-a6f6a1ff07bdc0ae64c1a9dcc3cadf63f02c65cf1-500x375cA few days ago, I wrote a blog post about a guy that I went a date with that I met on match.com. I call him Daddy Warbucks because he bragged a lot about money and his swanky apartment. (If you want to know more about the date, you can read about it here.) Anyway so I did not think that the date went well. He did not seem that interested in me. A few days later on Match.com he messaged me. I thought it was weird because he has my phone number and has texted me before. We exchanged a few emailed back and forth. Then yesterday he sent me this email.

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Look, if you have read any of my blog post, then you are well aware that I do not have a great grasp on the English language. Some many even say I am only semi-literate. Surprisingly, when I respond to emails on Match.com I read over them a few times and try to check the spelling. I put in a solid effect and it really bothers me when someone gives me a hard time about my spelling.

Although, I did not post my email that this email is a response to, due to the context he knew what I was talking about. Why be a jackass about it? If my spelling requires you to make a snarky comment about my spelling and education then don’t talk to me. That’s just rude. To me it is just rude to point out spelling or grammatical errors in a conversational email on Match.com. He is not my boss or my English teacher.

This guy has told me I was weird, bragged about at the shit that he has and now he is calling me out on my spelling. This is why this guy is still single; no one can stand to be around him because he is just unpleasant. I’m so done with this guy. I have blocked him from contacting me on Match.com. I have enough shit in my life; I don’t need this asshole.

Dating a Rich Guy ?

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In my last post I talked about rejoining match.com. I have been back on Match about three weeks and over 800 guys have looked at my profile. Yet less than 10 guys have contacted me. Could it be that my pictures show that I am a plain Jane and fat or that my profile appears to be written by an illiterate person, that the other 790 guys were not interested? Anyway after emailing a few guys back and forth and went out with two of the guys. I wrote about the first guy yesterday.

The second guy that I went out with a guy that we will call Daddy Warbucks. (Oh, you will find out why.) This guy is 25 years old and an IT specialist. We met for pizza at Brixx. I quickly found out that he did not drink at all. He told me that when he met up with friends at bars, they would order soda. That is weird to me. I mean what is the point of going to a bar then? Then he told me that he made $85,000 dollars a year (No, I did not ask. I would never ever ask someone that.)His job also had all these perks. He worried that girls would only want to date him for his money. ( Mmm ok, then why would he tell me how much money he makes on the first date?) He proceeded spent a great deal of time telling me about his swanky downtown apartment with a doorman, a concierge, a movie theater, guy and swimming pool. He is able to walk most places uptown. Parking uptown is a nightmare. Really Guy? Really? I live below property level and this guy is bragging to me about having the concierge doing this laundry. Really? This went on for about 3 hours when I said it was getting late and I had to go. When we exited the restaurant I smiled and I said “Thanks, I had a great time and it was a pleasure to meet you. Have a great night.” (It was not true but it was polite. Then this guy said “It was… (long pause)….interesting. You are kind of weird.” Fuck this guy. I was nothing but polite, kind courteous. Why even say that? Then the next day he texted me this weird message about my sister. I did not respond.

As usual online dating is not going well. It seems like a viscous cycle; I join a dating site; it does not go well. I quit and take a break and the process starts again. I know they say if you date one jerk, it’s him but if you date a string of jerks, it’s you. It is frustrating.

Dating Suddenly Seymour ?!

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seymour

I mentioned that I had reactivated my account on match.com. So far I have been on dates with two different guys. None of these dates have done practically well. In this post I’m going to talk about the first guy.

The first guy, we will call Seymour (No that is not his really his name;There is something about him that reminds me of Seymour in Little Shop of Horrors.) We met for the first time at a wine bar.  Seymour is maybe 5’4 and small and frail like a bird. He is a civil engineer. That was about all I remember for our first date because I got hammered. I am not really sure why but it happened. I was so hangover/ still drunk the next day at my inventory job. I was really surprised when he texted me and asked me to go out again. We went to a science on the rocks event at the Discovery Place. I was not sure what to wear so I wore pretty green dress and heels. Then I got there and everyone was wearing jeans. Seymour even asked me what I was wearing. Then we walked to Crave, a desert bar. We has some appetizers and drinks. Don’t worry, I only had one drink. It went ok but it did not seem like he was that interested in me. Then on Tuesday, he texted me and asked me, if I wanted to go see the movie Cinderella on Friday night. Then he told me that he looked at the movie times and that the nearest theater playing the movie was in Concord, which is over an hour away. I was really disappointed. Then he suggested that we see Get Hard at Cinebarre. I love Cinebarre and agreed to go. Then on Friday, I went on the movie theater website to get an address to put into GPS. Then while I was on the site, you won’t believe what I saw. Cinderella was playing that night.  He told me it was not playing at Cinebarre. When we were at the movie theater I asked him about it and he said that he did not see it online. I find that hard to believe. He was the one that suggested we see it. If he did not want to see it he should have told me and not lied about it. That is a red flag.

Here We Go Again….

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I have not written a blog post in a while. I started my new job at the law firm recently. It is stressful getting use to everything but I am so grateful that I have this opportunity and remind myself that every day. I still work at the inventory company and it has taken a bit to balance both jobs. I have been tired a lot lately. I am really trying to have a positive attitude. Unfortunately all of this stress has negatively affected my diet. I keep eating crap. I hope I get back on band wagon soon.

I rejoined match.com. I have not had much luck on match.com in the past but against my better judgment, I decided to give it another go. I would really like to have someone in my life long term. Why does dating have to be so hard?

My Date with a Bisexual?!

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rupaulLast Saturday when I was doing an inventory at Gander Mountain, a sales associate asked me how old I was. It was random and I was tired considering it was 5 AM in the morning. I said 25 and then asked him how old he was. He said 23 and that was the end of the conversation. Then after the inventory was over and we were about to leave he came up to me and gave me his phone number. It was so random; it has been so long since I have met a guy organically.

I got home and debated on texting him. I had trouble reading his hand writing but then texted my best guess. He texted me back and told me how beautiful I was. We both had the next day off and agreed to meet for pizza.

We met for lunch at a pizza place. He was tall, wore glass and had bolding blond hair. I was a bit skeptical about this guy. He told me how he lives with his parents and working at Gander Mountain is his dream job. He loves guns. He was dishonorably discharged from the military. He said that he had a shoulder injury and they used that to dishonorably discharge him. He was stationed in Japan for a year and had many interesting stories. He had some oh no no’s in my book, but he was very funny and I enjoyed talking to him.

Then we decided to meet up for drinks later. We had a good conversation and then he suggested that we go to Amelie’s French Bakery. I got a caramel brownie and he got two éclairs. His card was declined and I paid for it. Ok, I know he works at Gander Mountain and probably does not make much money. But why offer to pay? It was a little off putting that he does not manage his money. Then he told me that he did not date many girls. I thought “Aww, he must just not date a lot.” He had a fiancé and she had a baby in high school as a result of rape. The child was adopted by her sister and she is still a part of the baby’s life as an aunt. He told his parents after they become engaged and she got mad, so she hooked up with a bunch of guys at basic training. They broke up when he was sent to Japan and they are still close friends. While in Japan he came out as bisexual.

I have no problem with gay or bisexual people. If you want to be gay, be gay. If you want to be straight, be straight. Either way, I don’t really thing that it is a big deal. Live your life. Rupaul’s Drag Race is one of my favorite shows and I had a good friend that was gay.  But is it wrong that dating a bisexual is a deal breaker for me? This guy is really nice but I don’t think it will work.

I’m a liar.

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assholeOn Monday, I had an interview for a part time legal assistant position at a Social Security disability law firm. I had a week’s notice so I was able to work it out with my inventory job to have the day off. The interview went well and I was so excited when they called me Wednesday afternoon to come in for a second interview at 9:30 AM on Friday. The only problem, I was scheduled to work Friday morning.  This sent me into full panic and anxiety mood. I could have told my inventory job Thursday that I could not work Friday but had no clue what to say. I really did not know what to say “umm… I have been scheduled to work Friday for two weeks but I have an interview and I really want to go so I am not going to be able to work Friday.” I felt so bad. I really like my job and my boss is so nice to me. So I did what I always do when I am really anxious about something, procrastinate. So then I thought that I would just call in to work on Friday and just say that I was sick and go to the interview. Then I just I emailed my supervisor last night saying I was “sick” and would not be working this morning. He did not email me back and I am worried. What if he did not get it? I don’t want him to think that I just did not show up. I was so anxious I barely slept last night.

This morning I went to the second interview for the part time legal assistant position and they offered me the job. I accepted on the spot. They gave me an office tour and I’ll have a nice cubical next to a window. I am really excited and so grateful to be given this opportunity.  Then they told me that they wanted me to start next Monday instead of Monday March 16th. I told them that I would have to talk to my other job because I am scheduled to work next week. What I did not tell the law firm was that I could not tell my inventory supervisor today that my scheduled would be changing because I had said I was sick today.  The law firm wanted me to email them later today to let them know what day I could start, so I just emailed them saying I could start Wednesday. I was planning to tell my inventory supervisor Monday. I’m so anxious and feel like I might be having a heart attack. I have to work tomorrow. I am embarrassed and stressed out.

I hate that I always do this. I always do the wrong thing. It is like I just panic and do stupid. I wish I could be a normal person. I’m so anxious that I am physically ill. The stress is killing me.

Interview

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( This is me during the interview)

Today I went on my first real job interview in 6 months (kind of.) It was an interview for a part time legal assistant position at a law firm that specializes in Social Security disability. I worked in a similar position a year ago for another law firm. I think that the interview went well. I was as normal as I could possibly be. The job is most likely only ever going to be part time and pays $9 dollars an hour. So if I get this job, I will still be working my inventory job part time as well. This job would be a great opportunity for me but then I am going to be working two jobs for the foreseeable future. The part time job that I interviewed for wants a long term commitment. I worry a lot about money and wish it was not such a struggle to find a full time job that paid above poverty level. I guess we will just see how things turn out.

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