A few weeks ago, I was scheduled to inventory a Lowe’s in Winston Salem. It is 2 hours away and I went on the company van. There is a meet spot, where I catch the van, in a Kmart parking lot about 35 minutes from where I live. When I got on the van there were a bunch of new people and they were wearing seatbelts. Which is odd because in the 8 months that I have worked there, I have never seen anyone wear a seatbelt. So I put mine on. We got to the job at 9 AM and we left at 5 PM. We were on the road maybe 20 minutes when I looked out the window and saw a car flip and the van suddenly came to a stop. Everything happened so fast. We got out of the van and waited for the cops. Apparently a lady stopped her car in the middle of the interstate and a truck speed around the van and hit the back of the lady’s car, pushing the car several yards and then flipped over several lanes of the interstate. The driver of the van that I was in navigated her way between the lady’s car and the flipping car. Luckily the van I was in only had a few scrapes and fluids leaking and for the most part everyone was alright except one lady had some neck and back pain. ( Disclaimer though at the time of the accident she was not wear her seat belt and turned all the way around in her seat talking to some guys in the back of the van so when the driver stopped she fell back in her seat.) There were two guys in the flipped truck that luckily crawled out of the truck unharmed. The lady in the car was not so lucky. The back of her car was completely smashed in and the driver’s side was also smashed up. One of the ladies in our van knew CPR went over to see if she could help and said the lady was not conscious and was having a seizure. The ambulance came and took her to the hospital.
I was born in Charleston, South Carolina on September 20, 1989 during hurricane Hugo. My life has been a disaster since.
Today is my 26th birthday. I have been really anxious about my 26th birthday for a while. Since I am 26 I will no longer be able to be covered on my dad’s health insurance. My job does not offer health insurance. Because I live in South Carolina, I make too much money to qualify for Medicaid and I don’t make enough money to qualify for a subsidy through Obamacare to help cover the cost of health care through the marketplace. The cheapest insurance that I can get is $130 which only helps me if I have to be hospitalized. I can’t afford it.
I am disappointed in myself. I thought by 26 years old I would be married and be a few years into my career. Unfortunately I have not had a boyfriend in 4 years and I work part time counting stuff for a living while trying to get my medical coding certification. I have been really depressed about this recently but things are better than they were a year ago. I think that I am on the right track even though my certification seems like that it is taking forever. Things are hard but I am lucky to have my mom and sister; plus my cat, Gisele.
Last Friday I started have pain in my left side. I could not lay on my left side or back and even sitting was painful. The pain would come and go throughout the weekend. At its worst I was in debilitating pain. It would hurt in not matter what position I was in. I thought it was a pulled muscle or something and did not want to go to the doctor. I am poor and terrified of doctors.
I went to work on Thursday and I had a little bit of pain but it was tolerable. Then I was there about 4 hours and it started to really hurt. I called my doctor on my break to set up an appointment for later that day. I was hoping to tough it out and finish the inventory but the pain got worse and worse. I told my boss and he said I could not leave so I worked through the pain until I could not take it anymore. Finally he told me I could leave but I would get written up. So I left and went home. My appointment was not until 4 PM. I laid in my bed in pain and kept telling myself I just had to get to my appointment and it would be ok. I got to my appointment 45 minutes early hoping I could get in the see the doctor a little early.
My parents go to this doctor’s office and I had only been there once before. While I was there was a middle aged couple that went in before me. The lady come out and went outside while the guy was still in with the doctor. She came back in and asked the receptionist if the receptionist if she would get her keys from she fiancé who was in with the doctor. The receptionist said that the lady could go back there and get them. Then this lady went off on the receptionist. She said “That lady doctor is a bitch. When I called to set up a new patient appointment for him they said he would be able to discuss all of medical issues with his doctor. She would not even look at the information he filled out and he needed to make a septate appointment to disuse all of his medical issue.” Then the receptionist asked her a question. I could not really hear it from where I was sitting. Then the lady said that he just wanted a referral to an endocrinologist, a prescription for like high blood pressure or cholesterol and something else I don’t remember. Then receptionist than said that he would have to make a separate appointment for that. Then that lady was really pissed off and said “this is ridiculous and I’m glad I’m not a patient here.” I kept thinking while this whole thing was happening I really hope this is not my doctor she is talking about.
Then I was called back in to the examining room. I was waiting for the doctor and I heard a lady talking to a man outside of my room. She said something like “Your fiancé is not welcome here and if she comes back I cannot be your doctor. “ I kept thinking “please don’t be my doctor.” It was. I told her that I was having a lot of pain in my left side and if hurt when I moved. She listened to my lungs and told me to go to the ER and even offered to call me an ambulance. It could be pneumonia or appendicitis and I would need a chest x-ray. I asked her what I needed to tell the ER and she said just tell them my symptoms.
This whole situation really pissed me off. Do you have any idea how expense it is to go to the ER? The cost difference between going the doctor’s office/urgent care and ER is like a hundred vs. several hundred dollars. I am very poor like well below the poverty level poor. And her medical advice is going to the ER and I have to pay $100 dollars for a doctor’s visit. I refuse to pay it that is bull shit.
Then I just sat in my car and cried. I was in a lot of pain and did not know what to do. The ER was out of the question. I called my mom and she went with me to the urgent care. I waited over an hour in agonizing pain. They took a urine sample. I meet with the doctor and he had them do an EKG and a chest x-ray. They gave me a shot for the pain. Everything came back ok and then he recommended that I get a CT scan because he thought there was a possibility I had a pulmonary embolism. It was a bit scary. I had to go to the ER to get the CT scan. The doctor called the hospital in advance to set everything up so I just had to walk in and give them a paper from doctor. (This is what the other doctor should have done.) They did the CT scan and I spoke the doctor on the phone. Luckily the test came back fine and the doctor was not sure what was causing the pain. He prescribed me some medication for the pain and I could pick it up from the pharmacy the next day. The whole thing was awful.
The next day I called the pharmacy and they did not have the prescription for me. I called the Urgent Care and had to leave a message because for some reason it is impossible to speak with an actual person. So I waited till around 1 pm and when I had not heard back I decided to go the Urgent Care and talk to an actual person. I got a call from the Urgent Care when I was about a block away and the lady said that the prescription had already been called in. I decided to still go to the Urgent Care to get a work excuse. When I got there they said they had no record that I had ever been there. Seriously? They told me to take a seat and they would look some more. While I sat there I thought to myself am I schizophrenic or do I have some kind of delusional disorder? Am I literally insane and just imagined this whole thing? An hour later they found my records, they were attached to the back or another person’s medical record. Really? Then the lady said that she would call the pharmacy and put in my prescription. (So what about the phone call? Was it complete BS?) Several hours later I called the pharmacy and they had not heard from the Urgent Care. I called my mom in tears I was so frustrated. My mom was mad and went by the Urgent Care to work it out. She told me to try the pharmacy again the nurse had called in the prescription again. I called and they STILL did not have it. I called my mom back so angry. While I was on the phone with my mom I got a call from the pharmacy. Apparently it was misplaced under some papers and they miraculously found. (What are the odds this would happen to me twice in the same day?)
This whole experience was awful. I am never going to my family doctor again. I think it is a crime that she is even allowed to practice medicine. Her best advice is to go the ER? There is no other test that she could have run on me in the office? I think that it was getting close to 5 o’clock and she wanted to go home. So instead of doing her job, she thought she would just pawn me off on another doctor.
It feels like I have not written a blog post in forever. I have been really busy. I am still working my inventory job but some things have changed. I went back to school. It was about I came up with a plan B. I am in the process of getting a medical coding certification through a local technical school that partners with Career Step. I think this would be a good career for me. I have been working on the program for 2 months. It’s going well.
I adopted a cat. She name is Giselle like the model. She is 3 ½ years old. She is super sweet. It has been an adjust having a cat but she is great.
I got dumped. I was dating this guy for the past 6 weeks. We were hanging out 2 to 3 times a week and I really thought things were going well. He thought it was cool that I lived in a travel trailer. He even meet my parents. I thought that he really liked me. We hangout Wednesday and things seemed good. I thought it was odd that he did not want to make concrete plans and wanted to “play it by ear”. We have been hanging out every weekend. He told me on Thursday he was having dinner with co-workers. I texted him around 9 ish and he did not get a response. I was surprised the next morning when he had not texted me back. We usually text a lot. Then on Friday I texted him after work, which for me is around noon. I still have not gotten a response. I have not tried to text again; I have got the message that he is no longer interested in me. I am extremely hurt by the way that he handled it. I wish that he would have told me that he was no longer interested instead of just ignoring me. I feel like he owed me a little bit more than that.
I have not written a blog post in almost a month. I feel like I have just run out of gas and I don’t know how to motivate myself to keep trying anymore. There does not seem to be much hope for anything to change anytime soon.
Since I quit my job at the law firm, I have gone back to working more at my inventory job. It is awful but I am grateful to have the job. I have been looking for another job. I had an interview for another legal job but unfortunately I did not get the job. I don’t really want to work in the legal field anymore. It is extremely stressful for me and I kind of hate it. Right now I am just going to work at my inventory job, keep applying for jobs and figuring out what is next for me. I am considering going back to school to learn a marketable skill to get a job I can tolerate going to work every day.
Morgan has passed away. Morgan was the stray cat that has lived at my parent’s house for the last 6 years. I got really attached to Morgan when I moved into my travel trailer 6 months ago. She was the sweetest and nicest cat that just wanted attention. She was very dainty for a stray cat; I would sometimes call her Grace Kelly. She had a scar on her lip that she was self-conscious about and difficultly meowing due to a damaged voice box. It is obvious that before she came to my parents someone mistreated this cat and then abandoned her. It makes me so angry that someone could treat her badly. Despite all that she had been through she was still trusting of people. She would always greet me when I got home late from my inventory job.
Last week I noticed that she had a bloody growth on her butt and it was not doing away. I thought that maybe she was having digestive issues or worms or something. My mom said that she would ask Tammy to take a look at her next time she comes around. Tammy is my step sister and a veterinary tech that works at Veterinary clinic. Then yesterday Doug saw the growth and was concerned and asked Tammy to come by that day. Tammy came by and took Morgan into work with her. They ran some test and it was a cancerous mass. There was nothing they could do so they put her down. It is so sad. She was here one day and gone the next. I had no idea that it was so serious. I hope that she was not in pain. I will miss her so much.
I don’t think I should be around any animals ever. My family jokes that I am a serial cat killer. Last year when I was roommates with Tammy, two of her cats died. To be fair they were both like 15 years old. One had kidney failure and the other one had seizures shortly before he pasted. Her other cat got a tumor on her head but she is still around. Then there is Morgan. She was only about 7 years old. She was perfectly health and then I was around 6 months and she got a cancerous mass on butt and was put down. I loved all of them like they were my own. It is really sad that any animal I get close to died.
Sometimes I just want to give up on life, but I can’t. I have no choice but to keep propelling myself forward. It has been a rough week. Quitting my job on Monday was extremely difficult. I really wanted it to work out and I’m devastated that it didn’t. It is like just when things were starting to come together everything feel apart. It sucks looking for a job again. I feel like I have been looking for a long term job for 3 years and I’m tired of it. I am going back to working as many hours as I can at my inventory job. I’m grateful that I have my inventory job but it is hard to go back to after having a professional job. I’m trying not to think about it so it won’t bother me.
Side note, I went on a date last night. You are probably thinking “Lor, dating should literally be the last thing on your mind right now.” I agree you are 100% correct but I signed up and paid for a 3 month subscription on Match, when I started my professional job. I have about a month left. I thought about cancelling early but since I paid for it, I thought I would keep my account until my subscription is up. I have no plans to renew it. Since I have been on the site not many guys have contacted me. I have only dated two guys off the site and I wrote blog about both of them (Suddenly Seymour and the 85 thousand dollars a year guy.)
So Wednesday this very cute 26-year old lawyer sent me an email on the site. The only thing that gave me pause was that he was divorced. I do not like to date men that are divorced as a general rule but I will depending on how they answer two questions. Are you legally divorced? Some guys think that separated and divorced are the same thing. I do not date men that are separated. How long have you been divorced? If his answer is under a year then I am not interested. I have found that guys divorced under a year are either bitter and never want to commit again or looking for a rebound. I am looking for a long term relationship and I don’t want to waste my time. I was concerned about this guy’s divorce but I was too shy ask on the site. The site has the option of separated as status option and I assumed he was being honest.
We met at Six Pence pub for a drink. He was very cute in person and we chatted about our interest. Then he told me that his divorce will be finalized on January 11, 2016. Wow. I realized then that I had made a huge mistake. I should have asked him on the site but I was a coward. Then just as I was planning a graceful exit; he saw his coworker and invited him and his dates to sit with us. I think that this was rude considering it was a first date. Then I felt awkward leaving so I had a few drinks and left. I am not going out with him again. One of the things that I want the most (beside a long term job) is to be in a relationship on track for marriage. I understand that it is just not in the cards for me right now. It is another consequence of quitting my job.
Today I quit my job. I got to work early this morning and finished up some stuff that I was working on. I made sure that everything was squared away and they would not have any issues. Unusually Suzy is the first person there but the first person there was my boss, George. I paced back and forth in front of his office debating whether or not I should really do this. Then I got a text from my sister that said “Good luck today! You’re making the right decision.” Hesitantly I took it as a sign that I needed to do this and with my heart beating of my chest I walking in to his office. I literally thought I was going to die; I was so anxious. I said” George, do you have a minute?” He nodded. Then I said “I wanted to give you resignation and my two weeks’ notice as a professional curtesy but I know that I have only been here a short time and I’m no longer doing medical records, so I understand if you want me to leave immediately.” After a very brief pause he said “please leave.” I gave him my resignation and my office key. I left. It kind of hurt my feelings that he did not say anything but to be fair what did I expect him to say. I have been agonizing over this for days and I finally at peace.
Quitting my job was awful. I did not want to quit. I spent all weekend weighting the pros and the cons. should I stay or should I go? I laid out all of my issues with my job in my previous blog post. It was just a bad situation.
I hate that I’m unemployed again. (I do still have my part time inventory job.) I feel like a loser. I just bounce from job to job and I hate it. I want a long term job. I hate that I am like this; I try so hard. I feel bad that even though this is awful for me it also hurts the people around me like my mom. My mom is so supportive and I hate that I’m letting her down. I wish I could be normal.
I started a new job at a law firm that specializes in social security disability 7 ½ weeks ago. I was so excited; I had been looking for a job like this for over a year. It seemed like a miracle. When I started I was hired to work 20 hours a week managing medical records and billing among other duties. I was determined to have a positive attitude and make it work.
I started working with the legal assistant Camellia. Training with Camellia was difficult. She had a hard time answering my questions. She would somethings tell me one thing and then it would turn out not to be correct. I asked my boss George several times about setting up a time to train me how to do the billing and he kept putting it off. Then at the staff meeting on Friday, George say that I was not progressing fast enough in front of everybody. It was embarrassing.
Then a week later George called me into his office and asked me to start working 5 hours a day because the other legal assistant Jennifer has some medical issues and would only be working part time until she recovers. He asked me to take on more responsibilities. I told him in a nice professional way that I Camellia was not training me and I asked her every single day to please train me and give me a chance. He just told me to keep asking her. I also mentioned that I have asked him multiple times to be trained to do billing. He said that I just need to keep asking him.
The next week I was told that Jennifer would be out a few days and I would be doing intakes. When I started the job I especially asked if I would be doing screenings and they say that would not be part of my job duties. I hate screening. After Jennifer trained me they said that I would be backup for intakes. The next day Jennifer was out and the next day after that. That Friday George called me into his office and said that Jennifer has emailed him at 5 o’clock the previous day quitting. He offered me a full time position as a case manager. I said that I would sleep on it and let him know the next day. I try not to make hasty decisions.
I spoke with him the next day. I agreed to take the job. I was able to argue a dollar raise. I was so proud of myself. We agreed that I would start my full time status on April 20 when the new pay period started. I was so excited. I finally felt like things were turning around.
The next week I weekend my usual 25 hours a week. I took on all of the intakes and faxes. Jennifer had over 400 faxes and emails that have not been dealt with. It was crazy. That week they told me that they hired a woman to work part time and she would be starting Monday.
The next week I started full time. It was chaotic. I asked George if I could get a list of my job duties and responsibilities now that I was going to be a case manager. He said that once the new girl was settled than we would sit down as a group and divide of responsibilities. I hate intakes and I am terrible at it. It is a struggle but I always do the best I can. Also when the new girl started I was tasked teach her the screening process and help her with an issues with Prevail, our case management software. She was supposed to take over most of the intakes. She needed a lot of help but I did not mind. Still even though I had a lot going on that week but I still kept asking Camellia to train me and let me take on more case manager responsibly. She just told me to follow up on medical records. I showed up at 6:45AM in the morning and worked till 4:30 PM busty my butt to get organized and get stuff done. So many things have been falling through the cracks for months and I worked my tail off to correct it. I was stupid enough to think that if I worked hard they would give me a chance.
Now I bring us to this week. I had finally developed my own system of doing things and was a head. I thought this week would finally be able to start being a case manager. The new girl was supposed to start taking over the intakes but she was being trained by the attorney to do initial applications so I was still suck with intakes. It kind of bothered me that I had been begging to be trained for weeks and everything I have been shut down. Also she got a list of duties, something I have been asking for since I started. The new girl was out sick the next two days. I kept up with medical records and my other duties. It turned out that we were not receiving medical records because no one was paying the pre pays for records. (Pre pays are a payment that has to be paid in advance to a company before they will send you the records.) I spoke to the lady in the office that handles finances and she is the one that brings them to George’s attention. There were some records that he needed urgently and I told him to get the records we needed to pay the pre pay and he screamed at me. I was extremely upset. Then Thursday rolled around and George called me into his office. It was not good.
He told me that the girl, Amy that had my position before me and had quit was coming back. I would no longer be a case manager. He said I was not ready to be a case manager. I was not doing a good job with the medical records or intakes. He did not think that I was cut out to be a case manager. I was not aggressive enough. For example, when I was following up with a medical facility, they said that they mailed the records on April 23 and we had not received it. He said that I was native to believe that and should have pushed the facility harder. I explained to him that if he read the notes he would know that she gave me a tracking number for records that she mailed and it checked out. I also asked if she could fax the records but she informed me that it was against their policy. She even asked her supervisor if they could an expectation due to the circumstances. Unfortunately he said no. I also followed up with the lady that gets our mail and the mail facility that we use is in the process of move and mail is being delayed. I also asked Camellia if there was other possible way to get the records. He said that they were probably lying to me. I bust my butt to get these medical records and document everything. George does not read any of my notes. He also said I had to be a “detective” when I am getting information from clients about were they have received medical treatment and that when I receive medical record I need to read through them and look for other possible providers. I have never be asked to call a client and ask about medical history. I have asked Camellia if I could but she has always done it. Also I am not a mind reader If he wanted am to read though the medical records and look for other medical providers than he should have asked me to.
He told me that Amy and Camellia would be spitting the clients in half. Amy would do all of her own stuff. I would still be doing the medical record request for Camellia and assisting her will other duties. I did not understand why Camellia will have half as many clients and I’ll still be doing her grunt work. One time I heard Camellia on the phone with a client. I think the client asked her what she did because she said that her job was to gather medical records for the attorney. I don’t mind doing medical records but my issue is that they just told me I was doing a bad job and I have some issues working with Camellia. (These issues I will get into later.) Also the intern is leave and he wants me to take over the intern’s job of scanning and filing. The part time VA attorney also lost her intern and I will be taking over those responsibility. Then to add insult to injury Amy is getting her old desk back. I am being moved to the VA file room which is a closet size room.
I was extremely upset. I go to work every day with the mindset of “today I am going to be the best that I can be.” I get to work early and work all day giving 100%. It is hard to hear that I am failing at my job when I am doing the very best that I can. I understand that Amy is more experienced than I am but did they have to tear me down? It is so frustrating. It is insulting that she quit and I am getting kicked out of my desk. I’m embarrassed. I was hired on full time as a case manager and then less than two weeks later I demoted to an intern. I feel like I am being tossed aside like garbage.
Then the next day was Friday. I should have called in I was extremely angry. I am not good at hiding my emotions. They asked me to order some medical records and I said that I did not feel comfortable doing the medical records since I am doing an unacceptable job. Then I had a sit with Millie, George’s right hand. I told her the truth. I was devastated. I wanted to be a case manager and when they offered me the position I was thrilled and it was devastating to have it taken away less two weeks later. It is unfair for them not to expect me to be disappointed. I feel like I really got screwed over.
Then it got worse, I completely lost my shit. I was sitting at my desk following up on medical records. I have been calling this government facility at least twice a day for over a week in order to get some records. I finally got a hold of a real live person and there was an issue about the attorney’s qualifications. I tried to explain and she did not understand. I had to put her on hold to get some answers; last time that I put her on hold she hung up on me. I was trying to ask Camellia to answer a question about the attorney’s qualifications. She was talking to the intern and I was trying to ask her a question. She just ignored my question and asked what the client’s name was. Why does it matter? It was a general question about the attorney. I got really frustrated. The intern said “OMG that was scary. You need to take a 5 to 10 minute break.”
I feel bad for snapping at Camellia but I am frustrated with her. I blame her a little bit for losing my position. I have been begging her every single day seen I have started to train me and all she will let me do is her grunt work. Working with her is frustrating. For example the other day, I was following up on records for an upcoming case and I was going through the records in the file one of the records was missing. I started freaking out. This was one of my biggest fears. I am always carful when filing. I looked though all of the files that had been pulled for upcoming hearings. I still could not find it. I asked Camellia if she had them and she said no. She chastised me for losing the records. She said that I should call the facility and get them to resend the records and if not I would have to though every single file in the office. I called the facility and they said that I would have to resend the request and we would get the records in 4 weeks. We needed the request today. I asked Camellia if there was anywhere else they could be. Then 10 minutes late after she tells me that she has the record on her desk the whole time. She never apologized. She does shit like this every day and all day. This is just the tip of the ice berg. She asked me to order a client’s high school records that graduated several decades ago. I had only one record request for school records before and it was a special case so I her double check this one. Then last week I called the school and the lady told me that they could not process records for non-current schools and referred Mecklenburg School Records and it takes 4 weeks. The prehearing was three weeks away. I asked the finance lady to get George to write a check today. Then I explained the situation to Camellia and she said “oh, yea you should have sent the request to Mecklenburg School Records in the first place.” Are you kidding me, why did she not tell me that when she asked me to order the records? How would I know that?
Now I don’t what to do. I like what I do but I feel like this firm has been jerking me around since I started. I feel like they do not care about me as an employee. They tossed me to the side like garbage. I’m embarrassed. They told everyone two weeks ago I would be a case manager and now I am taking over the intern’s job and moving into a file room. I worry how this effect my relationships with my other coworkers. I know that I have to leave this job. I feel bad I seem to just job from job to job. I don’t want to do that. I want a long term job. When I started this job I wanted to tough it out not matter happened but I never thought something like this would happen. This is not a company that I want to work for long term. The question is how to get out. Part of me just to put in my two weeks’ notice on Monday. The other idea that I have is to try to go to part time until I can get another job. I just don’t know how long I can tolerate it. I’m extreme anxious and on edge at work. Either way I am still working at my inventory job and could go back to working there. I don’t know what to do. I hate myself and wish I could better. I try so hard but constantly fail. I’m a loser and a waste of space.
I can’t believe that I have been blogging for a year. It seems like time has gone by so fast. This past year has been a roller coaster. Unfortunately a lot more lows than highs. I am so grateful for anyone aka my mom that follows my blog or read any of my blog post.
I have not written a lot lately. I have been working both of my job and it is exhausting but that will changing soon. That will be a long blog post in the future.