It Could be Worse…….

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I have not written a blog post in almost a month. I feel like I have just run out of gas and I don’t know how to motivate myself to keep trying anymore. There does not seem to be much hope for anything to change anytime soon.

Since I quit my job at the law firm, I have gone back to working more at my inventory job. It is awful but I am grateful to have the job. I have been looking for another job. I had an interview for another legal job but unfortunately I did not get the job. I don’t really want to work in the legal field anymore. It is extremely stressful for me and I kind of hate it. Right now I am just going to work at my inventory job, keep applying for jobs and figuring out what is next for me. I am considering going back to school to learn a marketable skill to get a job I can tolerate going to work every day.

Am I A Serial Cat Killer ?!

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3.28.15Morgan has passed away. Morgan was the stray cat that has lived at my parent’s house for the last 6 years. I got really attached to Morgan when I moved into my travel trailer 6 months ago. She was the sweetest and nicest cat that just wanted attention. She was very dainty for a stray cat; I would sometimes call her Grace Kelly. She had a scar on her lip that she was self-conscious about and difficultly meowing due to a damaged voice box. It is obvious that before she came to my parents someone mistreated this cat and then abandoned her. It makes me so angry that someone could treat her badly. Despite all that she had been through she was still trusting of people. She would always greet me when I got home late from my inventory job.

Last week I noticed that she had a bloody growth on her butt and it was not doing away. I thought that maybe she was having digestive issues or worms or something. My mom said that she would ask Tammy to take a look at her next time she comes around. Tammy is my step sister and a veterinary tech that works at Veterinary clinic. Then yesterday Doug saw the growth and was concerned and asked Tammy to come by that day. Tammy came by and took Morgan into work with her. They ran some test and it was a cancerous mass. There was nothing they could do so they put her down. It is so sad. She was here one day and gone the next. I had no idea that it was so serious. I hope that she was not in pain. I will miss her so much.

I don’t think I should be around any animals ever. My family jokes that I am a serial cat killer. Last year when I was roommates with Tammy, two of her cats died. To be fair they were both like 15 years old. One had kidney failure and the other one had seizures shortly before he pasted. Her other cat got a tumor on her head but she is still around. Then there is Morgan. She was only about 7 years old. She was perfectly health and then I was around 6 months and she got a cancerous mass on butt and was put down. I loved all of them like they were my own. It is really sad that any animal I get close to died.

Dating A Married Man ?!

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nenelSometimes I just want to give up on life, but I can’t. I have no choice but to keep propelling myself forward. It has been a rough week. Quitting my job on Monday was extremely difficult. I really wanted it to work out and I’m devastated that it didn’t. It is like just when things were starting to come together everything feel apart. It sucks looking for a job again. I feel like I have been looking for a long term job for 3 years and I’m tired of it. I am going back to working as many hours as I can at my inventory job. I’m grateful that I have my inventory job but it is hard to go back to after having a professional job. I’m trying not to think about it so it won’t bother me.

Side note, I went on a date last night. You are probably thinking “Lor, dating should literally be the last thing on your mind right now.” I agree you are 100% correct but I signed up and paid for a 3 month subscription on Match, when I started my professional job. I have about a month left. I thought about cancelling early but since I paid for it, I thought I would keep my account until my subscription is up. I have no plans to renew it. Since I have been on the site not many guys have contacted me. I have only dated two guys off the site and I wrote blog about both of them (Suddenly Seymour and the 85 thousand dollars a year guy.)

So Wednesday this very cute 26-year old lawyer sent me an email on the site. The only thing that gave me pause was that he was divorced. I do not like to date men that are divorced as a general rule but I will depending on how they answer two questions. Are you legally divorced? Some guys think that separated and divorced are the same thing. I do not date men that are separated. How long have you been divorced? If his answer is under a year then I am not interested. I have found that guys divorced under a year are either bitter and never want to commit again or looking for a rebound. I am looking for a long term relationship and I don’t want to waste my time. I was concerned about this guy’s divorce but I was too shy ask on the site. The site has the option of separated as status option and I assumed he was being honest.

We met at Six Pence pub for a drink. He was very cute in person and we chatted about our interest. Then he told me that his divorce will be finalized on January 11, 2016. Wow. I realized then that I had made a huge mistake. I should have asked him on the site but I was a coward. Then just as I was planning a graceful exit; he saw his coworker and invited him and his dates to sit with us. I think that this was rude considering it was a first date. Then I felt awkward leaving so I had a few drinks and left. I am not going out with him again. One of the things that I want the most (beside a long term job) is to be in a relationship on track for marriage. I understand that it is just not in the cards for me right now. It is another consequence of quitting my job.

Take This Job and Shove it

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quitToday I quit my job. I got to work early this morning and finished up some stuff that I was working on. I made sure that everything was squared away and they would not have any issues. Unusually Suzy is the first person there but the first person there was my boss, George. I paced back and forth in front of his office debating whether or not I should really do this. Then I got a text from my sister that said “Good luck today! You’re making the right decision.” Hesitantly I took it as a sign that I needed to do this and with my heart beating of my chest I walking in to his office. I literally thought I was going to die; I was so anxious. I said” George, do you have a minute?” He nodded. Then I said “I wanted to give you resignation and my two weeks’ notice as a professional curtesy but I know that I have only been here a short time and I’m no longer doing medical records, so I understand if you want me to leave immediately.” After a very brief pause he said “please leave.” I gave him my resignation and my office key. I left. It kind of hurt my feelings that he did not say anything but to be fair what did I expect him to say. I have been agonizing over this for days and I finally at peace.

Quitting my job was awful. I did not want to quit. I spent all weekend weighting the pros and the cons. should I stay or should I go? I laid out all of my issues with my job in my previous blog post. It was just a bad situation.

I hate that I’m unemployed again. (I do still have my part time inventory job.) I feel like a loser. I just bounce from job to job and I hate it. I want a long term job. I hate that I am like this; I try so hard. I feel bad that even though this is awful for me it also hurts the people around me like my mom. My mom is so supportive and I hate that I’m letting her down. I wish I could be normal.

Thank You for Fucking Me

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scrwedI started a new job at a law firm that specializes in social security disability 7 ½ weeks ago. I was so excited; I had been looking for a job like this for over a year. It seemed like a miracle. When I started I was hired to work 20 hours a week managing medical records and billing among other duties. I was determined to have a positive attitude and make it work.

I started working with the legal assistant Camellia. Training with Camellia was difficult. She had a hard time answering my questions. She would somethings tell me one thing and then it would turn out not to be correct. I asked my boss George several times about setting up a time to train me how to do the billing and he kept putting it off. Then at the staff meeting on Friday, George say that I was not progressing fast enough in front of everybody. It was embarrassing.

Then a week later George called me into his office and asked me to start working 5 hours a day because the other legal assistant Jennifer has some medical issues and would only be working part time until she recovers. He asked me to take on more responsibilities. I told him in a nice professional way that I Camellia was not training me and I asked her every single day to please train me and give me a chance. He just told me to keep asking her. I also mentioned that I have asked him multiple times to be trained to do billing. He said that I just need to keep asking him.

The next week I was told that Jennifer would be out a few days and I would be doing intakes. When I started the job I especially asked if I would be doing screenings and they say that would not be part of my job duties. I hate screening. After Jennifer trained me they said that I would be backup for intakes. The next day Jennifer was out and the next day after that. That Friday George called me into his office and said that Jennifer has emailed him at 5 o’clock the previous day quitting. He offered me a full time position as a case manager. I said that I would sleep on it and let him know the next day. I try not to make hasty decisions.

I spoke with him the next day. I agreed to take the job. I was able to argue a dollar raise. I was so proud of myself. We agreed that I would start my full time status on April 20 when the new pay period started. I was so excited. I finally felt like things were turning around.

The next week I weekend my usual 25 hours a week. I took on all of the intakes and faxes. Jennifer had over 400 faxes and emails that have not been dealt with. It was crazy. That week they told me that they hired a woman to work part time and she would be starting Monday.

The next week I started full time. It was chaotic. I asked George if I could get a list of my job duties and responsibilities now that I was going to be a case manager. He said that once the new girl was settled than we would sit down as a group and divide of responsibilities. I hate intakes and I am terrible at it. It is a struggle but I always do the best I can. Also when the new girl started I was tasked teach her the screening process and help her with an issues with Prevail, our case management software. She was supposed to take over most of the intakes. She needed a lot of help but I did not mind. Still even though I had a lot going on that week but I still kept asking Camellia to train me and let me take on more case manager responsibly. She just told me to follow up on medical records. I showed up at 6:45AM in the morning and worked till 4:30 PM busty my butt to get organized and get stuff done. So many things have been falling through the cracks for months and I worked my tail off to correct it. I was stupid enough to think that if I worked hard they would give me a chance.

Now I bring us to this week. I had finally developed my own system of doing things and was a head. I thought this week would finally be able to start being a case manager. The new girl was supposed to start taking over the intakes but she was being trained by the attorney to do initial applications so I was still suck with intakes. It kind of bothered me that I had been begging to be trained for weeks and everything I have been shut down. Also she got a list of duties, something I have been asking for since I started. The new girl was out sick the next two days. I kept up with medical records and my other duties. It turned out that we were not receiving medical records because no one was paying the pre pays for records. (Pre pays are a payment that has to be paid in advance to a company before they will send you the records.) I spoke to the lady in the office that handles finances and she is the one that brings them to George’s attention. There were some records that he needed urgently and I told him to get the records we needed to pay the pre pay and he screamed at me. I was extremely upset. Then Thursday rolled around and George called me into his office. It was not good.

He told me that the girl, Amy that had my position before me and had quit was coming back. I would no longer be a case manager. He said I was not ready to be a case manager. I was not doing a good job with the medical records or intakes. He did not think that I was cut out to be a case manager. I was not aggressive enough. For example, when I was following up with a medical facility, they said that they mailed the records on April 23 and we had not received it. He said that I was native to believe that and should have pushed the facility harder. I explained to him that if he read the notes he would know that she gave me a tracking number for records that she mailed and it checked out. I also asked if she could fax the records but she informed me that it was against their policy. She even asked her supervisor if they could an expectation due to the circumstances. Unfortunately he said no. I also followed up with the lady that gets our mail and the mail facility that we use is in the process of move and mail is being delayed. I also asked Camellia if there was other possible way to get the records. He said that they were probably lying to me. I bust my butt to get these medical records and document everything. George does not read any of my notes. He also said I had to be a “detective” when I am getting information from clients about were they have received medical treatment and that when I receive medical record I need to read through them and look for other possible providers. I have never be asked to call a client and ask about medical history. I have asked Camellia if I could but she has always done it. Also I am not a mind reader If he wanted am to read though the medical records and look for other medical providers than he should have asked me to.

He told me that Amy and Camellia would be spitting the clients in half. Amy would do all of her own stuff. I would still be doing the medical record request for Camellia and assisting her will other duties. I did not understand why Camellia will have half as many clients and I’ll still be doing her grunt work. One time I heard Camellia on the phone with a client. I think the client asked her what she did because she said that her job was to gather medical records for the attorney. I don’t mind doing medical records but my issue is that they just told me I was doing a bad job and I have some issues working with Camellia. (These issues I will get into later.) Also the intern is leave and he wants me to take over the intern’s job of scanning and filing. The part time VA attorney also lost her intern and I will be taking over those responsibility. Then to add insult to injury Amy is getting her old desk back. I am being moved to the VA file room which is a closet size room.

I was extremely upset. I go to work every day with the mindset of “today I am going to be the best that I can be.” I get to work early and work all day giving 100%. It is hard to hear that I am failing at my job when I am doing the very best that I can. I understand that Amy is more experienced than I am but did they have to tear me down? It is so frustrating. It is insulting that she quit and I am getting kicked out of my desk. I’m embarrassed. I was hired on full time as a case manager and then less than two weeks later I demoted to an intern. I feel like I am being tossed aside like garbage.

Then the next day was Friday. I should have called in I was extremely angry. I am not good at hiding my emotions. They asked me to order some medical records and I said that I did not feel comfortable doing the medical records since I am doing an unacceptable job. Then I had a sit with Millie, George’s right hand. I told her the truth. I was devastated. I wanted to be a case manager and when they offered me the position I was thrilled and it was devastating to have it taken away less two weeks later. It is unfair for them not to expect me to be disappointed. I feel like I really got screwed over.

Then it got worse, I completely lost my shit. I was sitting at my desk following up on medical records. I have been calling this government facility at least twice a day for over a week in order to get some records. I finally got a hold of a real live person and there was an issue about the attorney’s qualifications. I tried to explain and she did not understand. I had to put her on hold to get some answers; last time that I put her on hold she hung up on me. I was trying to ask Camellia to answer a question about the attorney’s qualifications. She was talking to the intern and I was trying to ask her a question. She just ignored my question and asked what the client’s name was. Why does it matter? It was a general question about the attorney. I got really frustrated. The intern said “OMG that was scary. You need to take a 5 to 10 minute break.”

I feel bad for snapping at Camellia but I am frustrated with her. I blame her a little bit for losing my position. I have been begging her every single day seen I have started to train me and all she will let me do is her grunt work. Working with her is frustrating. For example the other day, I was following up on records for an upcoming case and I was going through the records in the file one of the records was missing. I started freaking out. This was one of my biggest fears. I am always carful when filing. I looked though all of the files that had been pulled for upcoming hearings. I still could not find it. I asked Camellia if she had them and she said no. She chastised me for losing the records. She said that I should call the facility and get them to resend the records and if not I would have to though every single file in the office. I called the facility and they said that I would have to resend the request and we would get the records in 4 weeks. We needed the request today. I asked Camellia if there was anywhere else they could be. Then 10 minutes late after she tells me that she has the record on her desk the whole time. She never apologized. She does shit like this every day and all day. This is just the tip of the ice berg. She asked me to order a client’s high school records that graduated several decades ago. I had only one record request for school records before and it was a special case so I her double check this one. Then last week I called the school and the lady told me that they could not process records for non-current schools and referred Mecklenburg School Records and it takes 4 weeks. The prehearing was three weeks away. I asked the finance lady to get George to write a check today. Then I explained the situation to Camellia and she said “oh, yea you should have sent the request to Mecklenburg School Records in the first place.” Are you kidding me, why did she not tell me that when she asked me to order the records? How would I know that?

Now I don’t what to do. I like what I do but I feel like this firm has been jerking me around since I started. I feel like they do not care about me as an employee. They tossed me to the side like garbage. I’m embarrassed. They told everyone two weeks ago I would be a case manager and now I am taking over the intern’s job and moving into a file room. I worry how this effect my relationships with my other coworkers. I know that I have to leave this job. I feel bad I seem to just job from job to job. I don’t want to do that. I want a long term job. When I started this job I wanted to tough it out not matter happened but I never thought something like this would happen. This is not a company that I want to work for long term. The question is how to get out. Part of me just to put in my two weeks’ notice on Monday. The other idea that I have is to try to go to part time until I can get another job. I just don’t know how long I can tolerate it. I’m extreme anxious and on edge at work. Either way I am still working at my inventory job and could go back to working there. I don’t know what to do. I hate myself and wish I could better. I try so hard but constantly fail. I’m a loser and a waste of space.

Happy Birthday to My Blog!

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birthdayI can’t believe that I have been blogging for a year. It seems like time has gone by so fast. This past year has been a roller coaster. Unfortunately a lot more lows than highs. I am so grateful for anyone aka my mom that follows my blog or read any of my blog post.

I have not written a lot lately. I have been working both of my job and it is exhausting but that will changing soon. That will be a long blog post in the future.

Very Overwhelmed

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All I ever wanted was to be content. Being unemployed was awful and I was extremely depressed. Then things started looking up when I got the inventory job. It was still only part time and paid only a little over minimum wage. I felt so grateful to be employed. Then I got the part time job at the law firm. Again I was extremely grateful, but it was extremely stressful. Last week a legal assistant quit and they offered me a full time position. I don’t get any health benefits but I do get an IRA and life insurance. I even negotiated myself a raise from 9 to 10 dollars an hours. It was very stressful and nearly killed me. So why I am still depressed? Working at the law firm is extremely stressful and I feel like I want to rip out my hair every day. This past week I have been screening potential clients and I hate it. I use to be a screener at the other law firm and it was awful, so when I agreed to go full time at this law firm I made it clear I did not want to screen calls. I am tired of being contently being stressed out.

This morning I left my travel trailer at 3 AM to the bus stop to get my inventory job after a sleepless night. I then took the bus at 4 AM to the inventory site 2 hours away. Then I did counts for the inventory for 6 hours; took the bus back and drove home. I got home a little after three. I feel exhausted and overworked. It is frustrating working two jobs and I’m still barley scraping by.

Why I will never quit either job? I am terrified of being unemployed again and I don’t want to be a loser.

I’m a Loser.

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tumblr_inline_mstamk5d1s1qz4rgpI’m not very smart. I have an IQ below 100 and a learning disability. (Ah ha, my poorly written blog post now make sense.) I also have an anxiety disorder, which makes it difficult for me to interact with people. I always believed that if I worked really hard than I could be as good as everyone else. I am the type of person that shows up to work at least 10 minutes early, keeps their head down and gets their work down and gives 100% everyday. Unfortunately, it is not enough. I am not enough. Of all the things in my life that I can’t change and have to accept, this is the hardest.

What’s Wrong with Him?

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3.12.15 ( This Amelie’s take on Paris’s Love Lock bridge. It is super cute. )

I never responded to Daddy Warbuck’s email because he made fun of my grammar. (Everybody knows that I am semi-illiterate.) A few days later he emailed me again. (My family actually refers to Daddy Warbucks as $85,000 dollars a year guy.) I feel like this guy is so unpleasant and only wants to hang out with me because I am the only one that tolerates him. He once told me that he did not hangout with his “friends” on the weekend because they did not like to do anything on the weekend and want to spend time to themselves on the weekend. (First of all, they are not your friends and they just don’t want to hang out with you.) Of course, I would never say this to his face because I’m shady like that. So why do I talk to this guy? I guess I am desperate.

Seymour and I went on our fifth date on Friday. We went to Amelie’s, French bakery, in NoDa. Then we went on a walk through NoDa and stopped at Heist Brewery for drinks. It was fun. I like that he always wants to do fan stuff like a cooking class, a picnic or mystery dinner theater. He is also really nice. I am not sure about him though.(What’s wrong with him?)

Dating Disasters: Daddy Warbucks, I got a bone to pick with you.

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main-a6f6a1ff07bdc0ae64c1a9dcc3cadf63f02c65cf1-500x375cA few days ago, I wrote a blog post about a guy that I went a date with that I met on match.com. I call him Daddy Warbucks because he bragged a lot about money and his swanky apartment. (If you want to know more about the date, you can read about it here.) Anyway so I did not think that the date went well. He did not seem that interested in me. A few days later on Match.com he messaged me. I thought it was weird because he has my phone number and has texted me before. We exchanged a few emailed back and forth. Then yesterday he sent me this email.

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Look, if you have read any of my blog post, then you are well aware that I do not have a great grasp on the English language. Some many even say I am only semi-literate. Surprisingly, when I respond to emails on Match.com I read over them a few times and try to check the spelling. I put in a solid effect and it really bothers me when someone gives me a hard time about my spelling.

Although, I did not post my email that this email is a response to, due to the context he knew what I was talking about. Why be a jackass about it? If my spelling requires you to make a snarky comment about my spelling and education then don’t talk to me. That’s just rude. To me it is just rude to point out spelling or grammatical errors in a conversational email on Match.com. He is not my boss or my English teacher.

This guy has told me I was weird, bragged about at the shit that he has and now he is calling me out on my spelling. This is why this guy is still single; no one can stand to be around him because he is just unpleasant. I’m so done with this guy. I have blocked him from contacting me on Match.com. I have enough shit in my life; I don’t need this asshole.

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